Joey Pfeifer
  1. Fuck Facebook

    The following is a status I posted to Facebook this morning:

    Nothing says “I remembered your birthday and I truly care about you” like buying someone a Starbucks gift card after Facebook reminds you it’s their birthday. And by “their birthday” I mean “your friend’s birthday” because obviously this website reflects real life in its entirety and every one of you on here is a friend. Wait, sorry. I let Mark Zuckerberg write the beginning of this status. When was the last time you called a friend on their birthday? When was the last time you called ANYONE because you wanted to hear their voice because you need them in your life? “I hate talking on the phone!” says the the majority of my generation. If you don’t like talking on the phone, if that’s “too annoying” for you, then maybe don’t post that stupid picture of your goddamn brunch. We get it, you’re the same as everyone else. Fun fact: that stupid joke you posted that got 100 likes? It’s pointless. It’s on a conveyer belt to nowhere and you’re wasting your time if you think this matters. Some people want a dislike button, as if another emotionless button is going to do anything besides make this spiral into nothingness even more unimportant. Let’s get rid of the like button entirely. Let’s see how cool we all are when this absurd alternate reality isn’t just a popularity contest. A thousand “happy birthdays” posted on someone’s timeline is what we need for validation, nowadays. My parents still call me on my birthday. They’re better than most of you. And they don’t even believe I should be allowed the right to get married.

  2. While buying cigarettes at a bodega in Chelsea, a Crazy Man walked up to me and said, “I just got out of prison. Give me a fucking cigarette.” And I said, “No.” He left, and on his way out he said, “Fuckin’ homo.” Not once have I ever been on the receiving end of homophobia. Ha. Get it? Receiving end? Anyway, no one’s ever been mean to me because of my sexuality. I’ve been called many names, like “idiot” and “moron” and “rockstar in bed” but never “faggot” or “fuckin’ homo” or whatever homegrown word you may have for guys who like the D. I couldn’t believe it. I felt an inkling of pride in my own weird, probably narcissistic way. I left the bodega and noticed Crazy Man had spit a little too close to a couple of Long Island bros in cargo shorts and flip-flops. One of them yelled, “You wanna fight, asshole?” Crazy Man shouted back, “I will fuck your mom, you FUCKIN’ HOMOS.” Okay, wait. It’s one thing to call me a fuckin’ homo. It’s another thing to call me a fuckin’ homo and then say the same thing to a couple guys who are obviously not fuckin’ homos (see: flip-flops, wanting to fight). Crazy Man had it right the first time, but then lost all credibility, and I’m back to having this hard life filled with tolerance and good friends.

  3. I don’t know any cats that can afford $1,300 a month in rent.

    I don’t know any cats that can afford $1,300 a month in rent.

  4. theonion:

Man Begins Life In New City By Taking Last Ever Walk Around Neighborhood

    theonion:

    Man Begins Life In New City By Taking Last Ever Walk Around Neighborhood

  5. Jesus never talked about homosexuality because he was afraid his dad might find out he was gay.

  6. I know I’m not dad material but I’m pretty sure I’m crushing this uncle business.

    I know I’m not dad material but I’m pretty sure I’m crushing this uncle business.

  7. A few years ago or something like that.

    A few years ago or something like that.

  8. Airline employee: “Mr. Pfeifer, your connecting flight will be at gate C4.”

    Me, smiling: “I didn’t know you could say ‘C4’ in an airport.”

    Her, not smiling: “Have a nice day, sir.”

  9. My barber, in the middle of cutting my hair, turned my seat so I faced the street. “Look at it,” he said. “See the camel toe on that girl?” I pretended to look out the window. “What a beautiful thing,” he said. “Wherever she’s from, you know, Thailand or whatever, they’d probably chop her head off for that shit.” I nodded. “I love America,” he said.

  10. nevver:

The Shipping News

    nevver:

    The Shipping News

  11. Guys I am this close to buzzing my hair. At least it’s kept me warm through the winter.

    Guys I am this close to buzzing my hair. At least it’s kept me warm through the winter.

  12. Thanks!

    Thanks!

  13. Text etiquette:

    "haha" = I’m indifferent
    “hahahaha” = I laughed
    “haha!!” = I’m mocking you
    “haha.” = I hate literally everything about you

  14. my night was better than yours

    my night was better than yours

  15. This is very important.

    This is very important.