Joey Pfeifer
  1. While buying cigarettes at a bodega in Chelsea, a Crazy Man walked up to me and said, “I just got out of prison. Give me a fucking cigarette.” And I said, “No.” He left, and on his way out he said, “Fuckin’ homo.” Not once have I ever been on the receiving end of homophobia. Ha. Get it? Receiving end? Anyway, no one’s ever been mean to me because of my sexuality. I’ve been called many names, like “idiot” and “moron” and “rockstar in bed” but never “faggot” or “fuckin’ homo” or whatever homegrown word you may have for guys who like the D. I couldn’t believe it. I felt an inkling of pride in my own weird, probably narcissistic way. I left the bodega and noticed Crazy Man had spit a little too close to a couple of Long Island bros in cargo shorts and flip-flops. One of them yelled, “You wanna fight, asshole?” Crazy Man shouted back, “I will fuck your mom, you FUCKIN’ HOMOS.” Okay, wait. It’s one thing to call me a fuckin’ homo. It’s another thing to call me a fuckin’ homo and then say the same thing to a couple guys who are obviously not fuckin’ homos (see: flip-flops, wanting to fight). Crazy Man had it right the first time, but then lost all credibility, and I’m back to having this hard life filled with tolerance and good friends.

  2. I don’t know any cats that can afford $1,300 a month in rent.

    I don’t know any cats that can afford $1,300 a month in rent.

  3. theonion:

Man Begins Life In New City By Taking Last Ever Walk Around Neighborhood

    theonion:

    Man Begins Life In New City By Taking Last Ever Walk Around Neighborhood

  4. Jesus never talked about homosexuality because he was afraid his dad might find out he was gay.

  5. I know I’m not dad material but I’m pretty sure I’m crushing this uncle business.

    I know I’m not dad material but I’m pretty sure I’m crushing this uncle business.

  6. A few years ago or something like that.

    A few years ago or something like that.

  7. Airline employee: “Mr. Pfeifer, your connecting flight will be at gate C4.”

    Me, smiling: “I didn’t know you could say ‘C4’ in an airport.”

    Her, not smiling: “Have a nice day, sir.”

  8. My barber, in the middle of cutting my hair, turned my seat so I faced the street. “Look at it,” he said. “See the camel toe on that girl?” I pretended to look out the window. “What a beautiful thing,” he said. “Wherever she’s from, you know, Thailand or whatever, they’d probably chop her head off for that shit.” I nodded. “I love America,” he said.

  9. nevver:

The Shipping News

    nevver:

    The Shipping News

  10. Guys I am this close to buzzing my hair. At least it’s kept me warm through the winter.

    Guys I am this close to buzzing my hair. At least it’s kept me warm through the winter.

  11. Thanks!

    Thanks!

  12. Text etiquette:

    "haha" = I’m indifferent
    “hahahaha” = I laughed
    “haha!!” = I’m mocking you
    “haha.” = I hate literally everything about you

  13. my night was better than yours

    my night was better than yours

  14. This is very important.

    This is very important.

  15. This selfie brought to you by seasonal depression!

    This selfie brought to you by seasonal depression!