For the past month, numerous people have asked if I got in a fight. “You look like you got punched in the face.” Guys, it’s a cyst. It’s disgusting. When my dermatologist said, “Yep, it’s a cyst”, his assistant… well, she made a face that… um… the only comparison I’ve got is that of a galaxy getting sucked into a black hole. I mouthed “I’m sorry” to her, despite the fact that the three of us were in a very quiet room together. The doctor took out a surgical knife. I said, “Sorry, I know this is gross.” He laughed and said, “What I’m about to do… Joey, this is my favorite thing I get to do at work.” It’s his FAVORITE THING he gets to do at work! I have a giant red thing on my face still, and it’ll take time to go away, but no, I didn’t get in a fight. BUT. But. I made a dermatologist feel like the surgeon he always wanted to be. Really I’m just your every day philanthropist, supporting dermatologists whenever I can. And the cyst? Let’s just call it a philanthrocyst. Ha! See that? Philanthrocyst. If you don’t like the pun, I don’t care. I’ll be as percystent as I gotta be to make the puns work. If you don’t like it, feel free to send a cease and decyst. Anyway, the point is: yes, there’s a big ugly thing on my face. I am very. well. aware. All I want is for us all to look past it, be friends, and do our best to coexcyst.